It’s funny I don’t remember when or how I met my first crush but one thing for sure I still have a thing for her, even after so many years. I remember in class V I wrote a whole essay which was inspired by her, although I didn’t get a good grade but that had more to do with my lack of English skills than her. If I had written about her now I am pretty sure I would have scored much better. Oh I was so naive, I thought everything was set and I was so sure I was going to spend my entire life with her. Well of course I was going to do other things and have other friends, but nothing could beat her. It was one of those childhood crushes, simple, naive innocent, full of hope and at the same time blatantly unrealistic. But you know what, I think when we leave childhood the one important thing that we forgo is our ability to think the impossible. Daydreaming is a very poor imitation of our childhood dreams. In childhood these impossible dreams are indeed possible, you actually believe in them. In daydreams you are aware that they are but a dream.
Well what can I say about her she was definitely more matured, knowledgeable than me; come to think of it I don’t think I have ever met someone so matured. She had so many stories up her sleeves, I loved them. I spend hours listening to her, especially the stories she had about wars, dynasties and kings. As you can clearly guess she was much older than me, more than you can imagine but hey I was just a kid. I was fascinated and captivated by her; it was so wonderful to be with her. The funny thing is she knew about the fact that I had a crush on her and that made me even more attracted to her, oh you know those childhood reverse psychology and delusions, “omg she knows and yet she spends time with me, must be because she loves me”. The thought of other people spending time with her or talking with her would enrage me beyond belief, how dare they, she was mine. But gradually I came to understand that she looked at me as her child and definitely not as a life partner, how shocking. Then again it wasn’t a sudden realization and so I guess when it finally hit me, it wasn’t much of a surprise. We still keep in touch and correspond often although it’s not like what it used to be but I guess that is only natural.
Time went by and then one day I met someone in school, I was in Grade 7 by then. To be honest at first I didn’t like her, it seemed all she ever did was ask question “why is this” “what is that” “how do you do this” and the list goes on. The good side, she was much younger than my first crush but still older than me, I don’t know I have a thing for old stuff. I mean surely I knew the younger generation but they looked so superficial and phony, I mean you have seen young girls they always copy stuffs from older generation. So I went after the old, hey as they say old is gold. That’ one of the reason I always watch movies from 60s and 50s, sometime even as far back as 30s.
So anyways back to my love story, she was like someone whom you gradually began to love and appreciate. I mean to be honest most guys in our class loved to be around her because somehow they thought she could make them look intelligent. But the fact was when she asked question, which she always did, and they couldn’t answer, which often they couldn’t, they ended up looking stupid. I loved her a lot but you know teenagers, you are too scared of looking dumb in front your mate- better slightly coward than downright dumb. Especially considering there were so many martyred friends of mine around her, I dared not. And so we ended up becoming great friends and I might go as far as to say lifelong friends. Even today I am constantly in touch with her and to be honest she has been one true inspiration of my life, her inquisitiveness, search for truth, her energy, optimism, full of life is unbelievable and knows no bound. At the same time she was intolerant at times, I remember she couldn’t stand her older sister, which was especially funny because she told me that her sister taught her everything. Her sister was about twice as old as her, at the time we met.
She didn’t like her elder sister because apparently she was too in to mystical stuff. I mean I never understood the family feud, if you ask me. I mean her elder sister knew a lot too and I agree at times she did look a bit weird, especially when she fussed over how to say what to say. There were times when I wasn’t sure what all the fuss was about. She was so in to semantics and I think that made her younger sister hate her. Gradually and ever so slightly I fell for her elder sister too, I mean I know you guys think I am some love addict or something. It seems anybody I meet I fall in love especially if they are old; well yeah you are entitled to say that. But I am confident when I say this much, I loved these two like nobody else and I am still really fond of them. I am in touch with both and we correspond a lot, although the level of correspondence varies. There are times when I am communicating with the younger on a regular basis or sometime it’s the older sis. Now here is the “bombshell” secret, I think I am still in love with the older one. I know it’s insane but after all this year, I think she is the one. She is wacky at times, and it seems she often makes fuss for no apparent reasons and most people do find her rather “much ado about nothing” type but she is so liberating and broad minded. I mean don’t get me wrong the younger sis is awesome too but don’t tell her this, I think she is a bit too sure of herself and a bit too arrogant. And the fact is because the older one is broad minded, I don’t think the age difference will matter and most importantly I don’t think she would mind if she knew I had been with others, to be frank I think she already knows.
Well then came a rather sad part of my life and worse part is I am responsible for that. I cannot blame anybody else for this, squarely my fault. You know one those episodes, like you go after a girl not because you love her but because everybody else does. It’s so horrible and yet you drag on because you love the attention people give you. Oh the tragedy of it all. Well to err is human and I am human all too human when to comes to this. The worse thing is I went with her for so long. There were some good times no doubt but overall it was hell. People still talk about her and me. Funny thing is some people think I was dumb to have dumped her, while others think I was “the man” to have done so because nobody in his right frame of mind would have had the courage to do so. Well I don’t know whether I was dumb or great, bottom line it was a learning experience, “why do you care what other people think”. Although I must say did learn things from her, boy she could talk her way through anything. But then again with her image it wasn’t a big deal. I doubt most people ever listened what she was saying. They were too happy to be among the blessed few to have been spoken to by her. But yeah she was one hell of an experience.
My final crush was interesting. I am not sure I am over her yet but I don’t think it’s working out between us and we have been trying quite a lot. When we met, I was in my 2nd year undergrad. She was really exotic in a sense, really fancy. She reminded me of the younger of the two sis, only more arrogant and slightly less intelligent. But she was really fun to be with; she had all the questions and all the answers in the world. Some of the answers she gave were so patently wrong and yet with such forcefulness she would give them that nobody had the courage to point out the obvious. And she was like one those intellectuals, you know who speak foreign tongue like French or something and not their native stuffs, just to show off their superiority. Many people were put off by her arrogance and she did demean a lot of people, come to think of it I am not sure why I fell for her so completely. I guess she reminded me of my school crush, the younger of the two sis. I did talk to her about the two sis, although she said the younger one was someone I should have gone after but she was very critical of the older sis, which obviously I didn’t like. Apparently she was like the older sis once upon a time, vague about everything, never sure of anything but now she has learned to become more articulate and knows many languages. I wanted to tell her I would rather be vaguely right than be precisely wrong, any day.
I don’t know what future holds for me, I am not sure if this relationship will go beyond this year, we have grown apart so quickly and so far that I think the differences are irreconcilable. The things have gone worse since I came here in Canada, I guess in Bangladesh it was the honeymoon period. Then again I am already 28, I cannot go on having flings and crushes like this, I have to settle down sooner or later. May be there is nothing like perfect love, it’s all fiction, happens only in story books. May be I should just accept my fate and get married. Or maybe I can give one last shot; you never know victory may lie just over the next hill and then I will live happily ever after. However come what may, I must say it has been one hell of a ride. Surely there were ups and down, it wasn’t a joyride but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I learned so much from them, each of them even the bad one. I owe a lot to them and even if I cannot have my dream, I should say “thank you God” for this wonderful journey. Now before I leave, let me just introduce my long list of lovers in order I have mentioned them: history (my first crush), physics (younger sis), philosophy (older sis), business (bad one) and economics ( the arrogant one).